Continuing the Cancer saga…

Now that I had my appointment with my Oncologist Surgeon, I have a surgery date set for late March.  It turns out that this is a slow-growing cancer that usually shows itself in stage 1 due to bleeding.  That’s how we found it. Bleeding.

The doctor informed me that it is so slow-growing, she has high hopes that it will be cured by removal if it is in stage 1.  And since it reveals itself in stage 1, I have my fingers crossed.   She said there is a 90-year-old who has the same thing.  She’s not doing surgery on him because he’ll die of something else before the cancer kills him.  The surgery for him would be worse than letting it go.

As she said, there is no guarantee that it hasn’t spread but as I said to her, let me have this.  I need the break and the hope now. I understand it.  I went through cancer with my mother, my grandmother.  My sister is going through it .  She’s stage 4 breast cancer and she’s starting to fail. Her heart is in failure.  Finding out that it isn’t what we hoped is not going to crush me but let me hope .  I need the breathing space.  We die of cancer in my family.  It will get me eventually.   Maybe not this one but another down the road.  Or maybe I’ll get lucky and drop my bike at 85 mph… First I have to buy a motorcycle again for that…

I’m not upset.  I’m not worried [okay… I’m more worried about the surgery than I am the cancer.]. I’m not depressed.  It just is and it is what happens with us.   It’s bad for the kids because now we have a whole family direct line who was cancer.  I told the kid, the minute she can’t drink coffee to march her butt into the doctor and tell him she has cancer somewhere.

We can’t drink coffee when we get cancer.  It makes us sick.  My Grandmother couldn’t.  She gave up drinking it when she had cancer.  Mom said to me when she got cancer the second time “It’s back.  I can’t drink coffee.  It makes me sick.”  My sister had the same problem.  In August, I stopped drinking coffee because  it tasted funny and I felt sick after I drank a cup.  It’s our warning sign.  My taste for tomatoes suddenly changed.  I loved my  homegrown tomatoes at the start of summer.  Lovely burst of tomato on your tongue.  In August, it tasted like cardboard.  Canned or bottled tomato sauce tasted strange, almost tinny.   I have high hopes for this coming summer after this is gone.

And I have Cancer Fatigue.  Who know there was such a thing?  It appears differently in people.  Some get it when they get cancer.  You are anything from “I’m tired all the time” to “Which 18 wheeler ran over me and backed up to make sure the job is done.”  I’m the 18 wheeler one.  If I’m up for 4 hours, I’m lucky.  I’m sleeping for 12 hours at a shot.   I assumed it was the bleeding but they  have that stopped with meds.  It’s the cancer.  Others can get it during treatment.  For me treatment would improve that feeling of exhaustion.  And still others don’t have it at all.  I’m just one of the lucky ones that get it with the cancer.  It’s one of the major reason I hope removing it will fix me.

I’m not writing much.  It’s hard to write when you feel like you have been awake for 2 days straight and you are on day 3.

The one thing I do know is this too shall pass.  One way or the other.  And strangely except for me hating the damn side effects, it’s okay today.  One thing I wanted was the serenity of AA.  The man who said that his wife of 50 years died that morning and today it was okay.  The serenity oozed from him.  And I seem to have what I wanted.  Lord knows, I worked for it.  I’m not perfect but I’m grateful for that gift.  Just for today, it is okay.  But I wish they would throw in a bit more energy or at least let me have a cup of coffee.