On the Edge.
We all have things we need to do to keep an even keel — blogging, exercising, reading, cooking. What’s yours?
Weights. As I said in previous posts Weight lifting is my zen. I hate aerobics with a passion but do enjoy a good HIIT. It’s working back up to the HIIT level that kills me when I haven’t been doing it. And the doctor yelled at me because my cholesterol is high. I know how to bring it down. I’m just not sure if I want to do so. I seem to have a bit of a suicidal bent on things because I miss the other half so much. The bad thing is you can’t be sure the heart attack or the stroke will take you out and then where would you be? So I guess I am dredging my ass up to do HIIT again and getting off it to lift again. Oh joy.
Anyhow… That is how it goes. That always puts me on an even keel. Lifting weights burns the crap out of me. All my anger vanishes [along with some heavy metal like Seether and the rest helping.] It wasn’t always like that and I didn’t always have the Zen of Weights.
It took a damn long time to get on even keel and at least a 12 step program before I started to heal. It may sound strange coming from a person who borders on agnostic/atheist but they do help if you can get over yourself and human terms. Any Atheist who gets pissed at Christians for being Christian, really does believe in God. If they didn’t, it wouldn’t matter what Sally Better Than You was doing unless she sticks her nose into your business. And then that’s Sally Better Than You not all Christians. It would be sort of cute how bigots are trying to claim to be Christians so they are bigots but it is too damn destructive what the little brains are trying to do. They don’t understand the flood gates they are trying to open. People who are NOT smarter than you should never make the laws. Democracy does not work. There are more stupid people than smart people and when stupid rules… well hell… look what we got right now and that is only the tip of the iceberg. Might be why the only thing the USA is #1 in any more is incarcerated people, number of people who believe in Angels, and Teen Pregnancy.
Anyhow… back to 12 steps. I have no clue who I am talking too. It could be a stone wall. You just run head first into one and tell me if it isn’t more powerful than you. It could be the local tree. No damn clue but it works. And it straightened out the mess I creates while I was busy reacting to my mother, who by the way, is one of the small minds. It took me years to realize she was not as bright as I was. Never have a kid a whole lot smarter than you and his half siblings when you are a borderline. But my brain is probably why I saw the pattern as sick and they didn’t. They are still spinning for Mommy Dearest. I gave that up before she died and it was all out war.
It taught me how to straighten up my house and when to give up. It taught me when and what I can change… pretty much just me. It’s not perfect and I carry scars but my other half went a long way to healing those. And I wouldn’t change that for the world. It took work. It took learning Sorry doesn’t count but Amends does but even then it won’t fix everything. It took learning to let Go. The phrase is Let Go and let God. Hades all you have to do is let go. And that is the hardest thing in the world. Everything I ever let go of had claw marks all over it. And the sad thing is my life is so much better without those things or people. But boy, that letting go was damn bad because I wanted to hang on so much. And that was my stinking thinking. I could pass it off as I wanted to help or to fix but it wasn’t that. I just wanted to hang on because of the pain and some twisted logic. Today I don’t have to do that. I can let people be just as miserable as they want. I don’t have to get involved in it. It took a long time to learn, some people just can’t be fixed. AA says “There but for the Grace of God, go I.” It’s pretty right. We will never understand why they are what they are. The Grace of God is the best excuse we can come up with. It translates into “I have no fucking idea why” Why did I decide to not get on that flight that crashed. Why when I was raised in the circumstances I was raised in did I not become worse than I was and why did I have the ability to climb out when others didn’t. Why did my life take that path. And you know for every reason why, there is someone who chose the opposite path. Damned if I know. But Grace of God sounds better than “Damned if I know why it isn’t me.”
Those tools I learned worked. They work every day until they become part of me without thinking. Peace and Serenity are my goals today. I don’t have time for those who don’t offer me those. And it’s okay today. Nothing to fix. The only thing I have to do is maintenance on my life.
I sat in an AA meeting one time and listened to a man tell his story. I laughed, I cried and realized even though his story was so different, it was mine also. His moment of truth came when he was sitting in his kitchen holding a gun ready to kill himself. The cops showed up to stop him and the cop was trying to talk him down. He said he could remember clearly thinking “I can kill this son of a bitch.” Before he started to raise the gun, he looked at the window and saw the cop’s partner with a gun on him and he knew he would die before he could get the gun up. And he said “Being a good solid drunk, I dropped the gun.” Drunk or not, there is a time in our lives where we are in that exact same position and have a choice. It’s one hell of a big choice and it is to live or to die. Keeping on with the same shit is dying. Change is living. And we alone have to make it. That old phrase of “I was sick and tired of being sick and tired” is true. And that’s what I was. I could go on being what I was created into or I could get my self on that even keel. I chose even.
It took work. It took therapy. It took accepting that Mom didn’t love me. It took accepting a lot of things and rejecting a lot of things. My half brother is toxic to me. I don’t see him. I am not even sure it is “I can’t” any more but it is “I don’t want to” my life is much happier without him.
Things change after you drop the gun [whatever yours is. Mine was my family]. After you do that, nothing is stopping you but you. There will always be idiots and Idjits in your life but things are different.
And let me tell you, I wouldn’t trade that even keel for anything. Today, I have peace and serenity. Today it’s okay or it will be shortly. And I guess I better listen to my doctor because I have a few books to write. If I don’t my betas will dig me up, find a voodoo priest and make me write them.