Sure, you turned out pretty good, but is there anything you wish had been different about your childhood? If you have kids, is there anything you wish were different for them?
I didn’t want to be here. I know that. I think I was born knowing that because I cried all night the night I was born. Most of what I am, I made myself. I am what I am because this is what I am. Inside. To the core. You know that know thyself? I’ve always known that. It took me a while to accept that but I always knew that. I didn’t have to go trailing off to find myself. I just got tired of the game that we were playing at that time and opted out. Insulting isn’t it? Someone got tired of you and your games so they left. I’ve come to the conclusion over 56 years that most people have absolutely no clue about themselves and spend a hell of a lot of time being what they think they should be or reacting against it but at no time are they actually who they are. And quite frankly, it is boring.
What would I change? I would have a mother who loves me. My mother didn’t. It took me 30 some years to realize that her shit was her shit and she didn’t love me. Hell she didn’t love anyone. Her entire world was governed by what people think because deep inside she wasn’t a very nice person. She was a borderline personality disorder and a form of sociopathy. She could not relate to anyone outside of her own feelings which she projected on everyone else. She had no empathy in her. The bad thing was she was beautiful. She looked like Maureen O’Hara.
Yep that’s Mom. Right down to the hair color and the make up choices. Most didn’t look past that. Someone asked if I wasn’t angry that Dad left us. I told them the truth. It was 1965. You did not take children away from their mother. No court would have ever given him custody of me. One of us had to escape. I’m glad he could. I am what I am thanks to my Grandparents who loved me and taught me how to be. I am also who I am because of my mother because I decided very young she was full of shit and whatever she told me, I acted as if that was shit.
The difference is pronounced. My half-sister took everything she said as gospel. I took everything as pure unadulterated shit and acted accordingly. At Christmas one time, my nephew’s fiancée asked me how two kids raised by the same mother could be so different. I told her those two sentences. Later when I thought about it, I asked her “Was that a compliment?” She said in a very heartfelt manner “Yes.” My half-sister was being a neurotic screaming mess because “If everyone just acted right for once we would have a nice Christmas” BTW, that was my mother’s line she was using.
I am who I am. I like who I am. Hell, as I said one time, I would marry myself if I could because I’m my best friend. I won’t tell you it didn’t take work. I had to get rid of all that shit my mother tried to tell me and force on me. Today, I only get twinges of it when I get depressed. I understand today she was mentally and physically abusive. If I have any regrets it is two. That I could have lived with my Grandparents until I was grown because we moved when I was 8 and Granny died. And, I wish that woman had died a lot sooner than my 30s. Life became so peaceful without her.
The worst thing your kid can ever say about you is that life is better because you are dead. My Grandmother? Well, you know how they say men on the battlefield died calling for their mothers? I would be calling for my Granny.
Even the fact that I am what I am because of acting opposite to her doesn’t deter me. I really wish I had another Mother who was capable of love and loved me. I am envious of those who do. The things I might have done and been if I had that in my life.
Today I have peace. Today I am happy. Today I am me. I can’t always say that about my life. But today there is no fighting. It all left when she died.