A list of how to fail at Writing

A list of ways to fail at writing for aspiring authors.

1.  Don’t sit your ass down and write.

Make excuses.  I don’t have time. [Watch much TV lately?] I have to work. [so like you work 16 hour days, 7 days a week?]  I have a family [You have them tied to your ass so that they even go to the bathroom with you?  I never use this word but.. Gross]

“Someday when I have time…”  You know first Somedays never come.  Time never happens.  If you keep saying that you have a choice right now.  Either shut up and make time today or just shut up because you are never going to do it.  It’s like a guy with a 3 inch penis saying “Someday when I have 9 inches, I’ll be a porn star.”   The only person who believes you is you. The rest think you are just blathering.  Save yourself some grief.  Either do it or shut up about it.    No, I’m not going to pat your hand and tell you how to do it.  If you really wanted to do it, nothing would stop you.  You are much luckier than the guy with only 3 inches; the only thing keeping YOU back is your own choices.

2.  Do not learn how to write.

No I don’t mean forming your letters.  Perhaps that is one of the big misconception of all those fools who say “I can write”.  Yep, and so can any 5 year old who pays attention in school.  It doesn’t mean he or she could publish a book and neither should you unless you have learned how to “write”.   Remember NaNoWriMo is not your friend unless you understand certain things about writing.  You do NOT sit down at a keyboard and bang out a best seller unless you are that one person in a century and that space has been take for this century [she even got a movie deal but hey, it was porn.  Soft porn but porn.]

If you don’t understand plots, story arcs, grammar, punctuation, tension, story development, rising action, you are going to be screwed from the outset.  Read books.  Yes.  Read books on writing.  The library has them.  The library can get them through inter-library loan.  Take classes.  If you join RWA, the price seems steep until you realize all the classes run around 10 or 15 bucks.  You save money using their resources to learn.  And better yet?  They want you to learn and to win.  Use ’em if you are serious.  If you aren’t?  Go back to the Shut up and move on suggestion in #1. [If your library can’t get all the books you may want to read on writing, considering spending the 50 bucks a year and joining the Brooklyn Public Library.  Oodles of books on writing an grammar and language.  If that doesn’t work go there an search Language Arts to see some of them.  There is also a section on grammar and puncuation]

3.  Do NOT READ

Just listen to books if you bother with even that.  Don’t read a book.  Don’t see how an author constructs their sentence, creates tension using those constructions.  Don’t analyses what you have read to see why you liked it.  I hear a lot of people who claim to be writers saying “I listen to audiobooks” as their justification.   IF you are listening to audiobooks, you are not developing your writing.  You are letting someone tell you a story.  It does NOT provide what you are suppose to be doing when you read.  You are to be a critical reader not a “tell me a story reader”.  The point of reading is to analyze not to enjoy a story.  When you analyze you improve your own writing.    It goes back to the if you really want this, you will make time.  You will find a way.

4.  Be Artsy Fartsy

I do not mean this in a nice way.  Artsy Fartsy here are those who “have to be inspired by my muse and have my lavender and green colored  pencils and my warm cup of tea with the breeze blowing in through the French Doors”.  Seriously people?  Get a damn grip.  Have you ever looked at REAL WRITERS/AUTHORS/BESTSELLERS writing spaces and tools?  40 workplaces of the Famously Creative.  Ignore the artists and pay attention to the writers.  CAREFUL attention. [Damn.  I want Kiplings office.]   You tell me which one of those writer’s had artsy fartsy whims and had to have their nice lavender and green colored pencils.  They worked.  It was their job.  And you damn well know their names.  If you don’t, why in the hell are you reading this?  Here are even more authors and their  desks.  Artsy Fartsy Muse inspired writers fail.

5.  Be too cultured/creative to consider Writing is a business.

It is you know.  Even those with publishing contracts will tell you that it is  a business.  Midlisters [if you don’t know what Midlist is, you better look it up.]   You have to generate your own publicity, platform and anything else you can to sell your books.    The old “I just want to sit and write” doesn’t work any more.  You can’t.  If you indie publish, you have to fight the Amazon Slush Pile.  If you have a publisher, you have to fight the Amazon slush pile [because he is NOT going to spend a lot of money on you. Far from it.  So if you were hunting a publisher so you can just sit and write and be babied?  Forget about it.  You are about 50 years too late.]

Learn platforms.

[One Free hint. Do NOT use Bluehost. I did and never had a working site until I moved to another host who I adore. If you want to know who, comment and ask me. Bluehost crashed servers. The site wasn’t up for days at a time. They corrupted all my data so even when I tried to use WordPress export, it was corrupt. And those bastards told me it was MY computer when I told them my 100+ members of my forum were complaining. I have no clue how I missed all those people flying in every day from Europe, Asia, South America, Canada and all over the USA to use my computer. Bluehost LIES]

Learn Marketing. As much as you might hate it, it’s part of life. That panic stricken Post every damn day on Facebook to “Buy my book” isn’t going to get you much sales but it will get you a lot of haters. You need to learn how to do it.

Realize that Writer and marketing/platform are so tied together you can’t escape it. If you don’t and you bitch you are not selling and pirates are taking away your sales, you just look like a fool.

6.  Publish that rough/1st draft.

Hot off the press on December 1st you publish your NaNoWriMo book [or any day you publish the book you just finished the 1st draft of today]  because I can write and people are going to love me and I need to get the book out there and….   You just killed your book and most likely your career.  You will be labeled “Do NOT READ AGAIN EVER.”  Your name will send shivers of fear through any self respecting not looking to jack off to your porn in your book reader.

Want to avoid that?  Edit.  How many times?  As many as needful.  Some of the famous authors state they rewrote things 35 times until they got it right.  Don’t want to do that?  See the “Shut up” suggestion again.   I’m on #5 of Standing Stone and next it goes to the editor and I’ll rework it again with her suggestions.  Then it goes to the “omega” readers [my final betas] and off to be published.

EDIT EDIT EDIT EDIT.  [see learn how to write rule]

7.  And the biggie.  Think you know everything and/or are a special little snowflake and don’t have to listen to shit.

You do.  Listen to your betas.  Listen to your teachers.  Listen to your editors.  Hell listen to what I posted here.   AFTER you can say you are Heminway, you  can stop listening.

 

And worst of all realize that you can do it all correct and not sell or get readers.

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8 thoughts on “A list of how to fail at Writing

  1. Loved this one. It’s funny, people who claim they don’t have the time to write even five hundred words a day, yet think nothing abou all the comments they make on posts on FB. I bet that easily adds up to more than a thousand words

    1. Or they watch TV or they are on their favorite forum or they go out drinking/dancing with the guys/girls. Writing takes making a choice. Either you want it or you don’t. If you want it, you will act accordingly. If you don’t, you’ll make excuses.

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