I’d Like to Thank My Cats.
You are receiving an award –- either one that already exists, or a new one created just for you. What would the award be, why are you being honored, and what would you say in your acceptance speech?
Thank you, Thank you very much. I am pleased to accept this award for kicking Bill Gates in the nuts for all the years of shitty programming I and the rest of the world has had to put up with because he’s a total moron when it comes to programming. However he is one hell of a salesman. He can sell a dead horse to a farmer for plowing. After all, he produced and we bought Windows 3.0, Windows ME, Windows Vista, Windows 8.x… well except no one bought Windows 8 unless they were fools and Microsoft plans to dump that turkey as soon as 10 is released… but that is no excuse for us buying the damn shit… I mean those programs when they were so flawed.
I would like to thank my weight lifting coach…
[Someone is making a hissing noise off stage..]
[something inaudible being said]
You mean this isn’t the Nailed his Nuts award? That’s next week? Well which one is it, man? Oh… the writing one. Yes.. Ahem…
Thank you. Never in all my years did I dream I would be standing here accepting this award for writing.
I would like to thank Rotty and Liexo because they gave me the push to get me started again.
I would like to thank that silly bitch who swore I wasn’t really writing a book because she pissed me off enough to finish it. And she wonders why she gets turned down for dates. Run guys as fast as you can from her, she’s poison. If you say no, she’ll take it out on… oh yes… back to the speech.
I would like to thank all those wonderful writers I devoured while growing up as well as the comic book creators and writers of the early 60s. Without them, I would never been addicted to reading.
I would like to thank that stupid man who was our guidance counselor. The one my mother thought was a janitor because if he hadn’t mucked everything up giving advice, I would have never lived the life I did so I could write about life. Life would have been very different.
I would like to thank the Other Half because I started writing the short stories for him.
And I would like to thank all those who like Stephen Cannell gave of their writing experience with no thought of profit but only of sharing.
It is with those thanks in mind I accept this award.