Writing AKA The World does not need your novel

(Your Thing) for Dummies

Sit down, kid and listen up.  The world doesn’t need your novel.  It really doesn’t.  In fact it could not care less is you publish it or not.  The World does NOT give a rats ass,  okay?  Sorry to burst your little bubble there but NaNoWriMo is lying their ass off to you with their propaganda.  Why not?  They make money.  I still want to see an accounting of where their cash we donate goes.  Along with receipts.

Anyway, back to writing.   Now if you do understand the fact the world doesn’t give a shit [go look at the Amazon Slush Pile], you have a good basis.  Also you need to understand you aren’t Stephen King,  Gore Vidal, Neil Gaiman, Micheal Connelly, Jude Deveraux or Harper Lee. Hell, you ain’t even Robert Leslie Bellem.
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Got that?  Good.

Next understand the rules.  There are rules you know?  Just like any job and unless you are a very lucky little dimwit, you have to obey them.  There are lucky dimwits out there.   But the chances of you writing the next great soft porn trilogy are pretty slim even if you do write fan fiction.

Rule number one:  Put your ass in the chair every day come hell, high water or any other job you have.  No one is going to make room for your special little snowflake “I don’t have time to write” crap.  Either you do or you don’t.   If you don’t, stop reading here.  You don’t want to be a writer.    There are famous writers who went to work at 5 a.m. and worked until 3 p.m. then came home.  Ate supper.  Spent a couple hours with the wife and kids and by 8 p.m. their ass was in their chair writing until 11 p.m. or midnight then they went to bed and started again.   They wanted to be writers.  And they didn’t use excuses.   You have to make some hard choices.  You don’t get to have it all when you start.   It’s Big Rich Texas or writing.  Make your choice.  I can tell you that your TV show/Movie/Internet isn’t going to get you the NYT Best Seller list.  But it’s your choice, Snowflake.  Choose wisely.

Rule number two:  LEARN TO WRITE.   Yep, you heard me.  Learn to write.  Unlike NaNoWriMo’s crap, you don’t just sit down, write, edit and send it off.  You have to know how to write.   You have to understand story arc, pacing,  and a whole bunch of other terms and how to use them to your advantage.    Or you end up with… well… crap.    Your story is pure mush.  Now that may be okay if you write porn passing as erotica.  I mean it isn’t that hard to write about Johnny’s trip to the zoo where he gets laid by 5 studs who are zoo workers and not put a plot in there when 25,000  words of your 33,000 word story is sex scenes [really bad sex scenes from what I’ve read so far in these books] but if you want to actually write?  Learn how to write.

How without going to school?  Read the writers who SELL who write books about writing.  Find websites like Stephen Cannell’s site with his Writing Seminar and read.  Hey for 9.99 Kindle Unlimited offers access to unlimited writing books.   If you want to find what’s good, go look at Writer’s Digest, The Writer and Poets & Writers for the books they offer and the writers who wrote them. You will find a lot of them in unlimited. And read those magazine. If the cost looks prohibited, go to Barnes and Noble then to their Nook magazines and find them. The monthly price is wonderful! Dirt Cheap. Also check out the Brooklyn Public Library. For 50 bucks for a year, you get access to more writing books [and others]. It’s like a big candy store.

Rule number three: Practice, Practice and Practice then realize you have a lot more work.   I won’t lie to you.  It takes a lot of practice to write a good book that sells.  It’s a lot of words.  There are lots of things you need to do that those articles and books will teach you and in the end?  There is no guarantee that you will sell.   There are flukes like dimwits who can’t write who have runaway best sellers from something they wrote for their TV show club or Saturday afternoon cartoon group.   John Kennedy Toole never saw his book published.

The other work is editing.  For God’s sake, EDIT.  You won’t be in the situation an author was in last night when I was reading their book and laughing.   At them.  Why?  Because their mistakes were silly and grade school.  She was either stupid or she didn’t give a shit about her reader.  “I new it was time to leave before I loosed the watch.”  {I think she meant “I knew it was time to leave before I lost the watch.”}   By the 15th mistake in the same book, I was laughing at her.  Mainly because she claimed to have been born in America.  English had to be her second language and she wasn’t proficient in it.     Seriously?  You do NOT want your readers laughing at you.

Rule number 4:  Do not run your mouth off when you leave shit in your book like the above author.  Do not run around in your special little snowflake circle and post on Facebook, forums or Twitter how much you hate pirates because they are keeping you from earning money when you don’t give a rats ass enough about your readers to edit your damn books from new to knew.   IF you plan on using the Special Snowflake Method [no education about writing, no editing your book, can barely speakie English…]  DO NOT bitch about someone stealing your book because you aren’t making money.  Take a look at your behavior.  It might just be because your books show:  no education about writing, no editing your book, can barely speakie English…  Show some professionalism.

It ain’t easy.  And you need to decide what you want to do.  If you want to do this for a living?  You need to understand that the one thing NaNoWriMo does get right is for this to be your living so you can quit your day job you MUST write at least 50,000 words a month.   You aren’t Stephen King.  You don’t get paid for less.

If you do all these things, you may end up being a writer.  Or you may not.  It’s the breaks, kid.

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7 thoughts on “Writing AKA The World does not need your novel

    1. I just spent the last week reading about 30 books that had me climbing the walls. Some had no plots but was very badly hidden porn. Some had plots but didn’t carry through the plot properly because of such things as Lovers have major problem with insane ex of one of them but Deus ex Machina saves the day and the story falls flat because of it. Some have loose ends so loose it could be the mouth of the Amazon. And you can throw in every other assorted bad plotting technique. Most should have been tossed. There were a few writers that… well… it was a bloody shame they didn’t understand what they were doing because they had the potential to be damn good. I can count them on half a hand.

      ALL shared the same damn problem with no editing for grammar and structure. I will fully admit I am bad at it. But the stuff I charge money for will go to Evil, my editor and she will get evil with me. So the problems will get fixed. I would NEVER charge you 5.99 for a story and not honour you by editing it. If you are paying me, you deserve for me to do the best I can and pay someone else to help me find the problems. That’s only fair. You should get your money’s worth. You honour me by paying and I honour you by doing my best for you. Square deal. You may not like the story or the way I write but you should never have to deal with bad English. Spelling and Grammar should be corrected to the best my editor and myself can do. Might things be missed? Yes. I’ve even seen it in published books by the Big Five. But you should NEVER count more errors than pages in a book.

      Cue should not be queue in “I took my queue”. I knew should never be “I new he was going”. An object pronoun should never be used as a subject pronoun. The errors were glaring in those books. They jarred me out of the story. The one poor author, who actually showed signs of being a writer in there somewhere in her 32 books of a series, made the same mistakes repeatedly both in plot and in sentence structure. Her grammar was atrocious. All she had to do was google it. Had she spent a little of that time she took to whip out those 33,000 word books on reading a book on how to write? She might have been a New York Times bestseller. She had the talent.

      So yes, I’m furious at lazy money hungry authors who whine about pirates while disrespecting their craft and their audience. There have been times in the last week I wanted to bleach my brain out because it was so bad. Some left a bad taste in my mouth and it wasn’t figuratively. The one, bless her, I started to laugh at every time she made a glaring error. I’m laughing at a serious love story… That wasn’t what any author would want for her or his book. You don’t put the work in, expect to be laughed at or used as fodder for the out house. Or like one poor little girl who bought into the NaNoWriMo crap and paid to have herself published, end up whining no one buys your book after reading the sample chapter. I can tell you why no one bought her book. The first 25 pages of the first chapter described her trip with her friend to the mall to buy a cell phone because her friend threw her cell phone in the toilet [no clue why. She never told us in the chapter] In excruciating detail, she describes the trip and every boring conversation in it. And she wasted money on having it published and distributed. I’m angry on her behalf because they cost her money she will never get back. Someone should have told her what I just told her before she paid those crooks who took her for her money for her wonderful novel.

      1. This is obviously late, but I agree. Developing your writing skills, knowing your story’s purpose, keeping control of your plot, AND finding the right editor to work with are important factors; and yet, they’re often (too often) overlooked. A loving parent/guardian wouldn’t willingly send their child to school smelling funky with holes in their clothes, hair a mess, stains, no shoes (you get the picture). And that same person wouldn’t willingly send their child to a bad school with crooked teachers. Just as a parent to a child, we need to put more care into our work and be mindful of the “help” we’re receiving to improve that work.

        Do you really call your editor Evil? 😄 Nice!

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