The play’s the thing… No actually knowing how to write is the thing.

Write a post about any topic you wish, but make sure it ends with “And all was right in the world.”

Prepare to be amazed. I’m not going to bitch about the bad functioning of the New “Improved” WordPress. Oh it still sucks but that’s not what I am going to bitch about.

I’ve had several posts on FB mainly caused by reading. The writers were… atrocious. And that is an understatement. I’m not perfect by any means but after reading them, I’m freakin’ Shakespeare. And these bitches were published.

The first didn’t know how to write. She simply didn’t. Most of her sentences were along the lines of:
“Bill went to the park and he decided not to play ball.” When every other line is that, one has to wonder what 4th grade class she escaped from. And her spelling. “He new there was something wrong” Plus… Shudder. I know my punctuation gets off track. I’m not as good as I should be with it but even I know not to write a sentence and punctuate it like this one: “I’m not going you, dingbat.” These were blatant slap you in the face if you passed 2nd grade errors that stood out like a neon pink horse in a herd of black ones. Yeah we all do shit like your and you’re if the fingers are moving faster than the brain but I mean 68 errors in the first 3 chapters? And the ones above were typical? Cut me a break. And the silly bitch didn’t correct them before she published the book. [Yeah. This was CreateSpace, home to the “I’m barely literate but I can write a book” authors.]

The next, well, she had a publisher. I personally will never even ask that publisher to look at anything. She didn’t have the errors which tells me that someone read the damn thing before they unleashed it on the world. If you want to know what it was like take Anna Russell’s Ring Cycle slam it into 5 minutes, create some plot holes and put the writer on speed then turn the player on 5X fast forward.  That plot jumped faster than a jackrabbit in hell.  [The Ring Cycle is an extremely long opera suppose to be preformed over 4 nights and consists of 4 operas.  Anna’s version is funny and done in under 30 minutes]  I’m not sure what’s wrong with her publisher but I can tell you if you pay for that crap?  You are the fool.

And that brings us to the last point.  One of these had enough nerve to lecture in her book about pirates.  She had the gall to include IN the book text  one MC lecturing people on how piracy is wrong and author’s should be paid for their work.  Honey?  First you have to be worth your hire.  Those two books would be lucky if anyone wants to steal them.  They should thank their blessings someone wants to read them for free.

Why?  Because those authors lacked respect for those who are going to lay out their money  they could spend on other things to read their work.  They disrespected their readers from the start.  One was such a lazy cow she wouldn’t check basic grade-school spellings. [as I said we all make mistakes but 68 of em in 3 chapters?]  One left in major editing error corrections such as removing unneeded words like was.  Instead of deleting she left this was in the bloody text. Nice to know she tried but she was just as silly a cow as the unedited one.  She didn’t care about those paying for her books enough to go in and fix it.

The one with the bad plot didn’t care enough about you to bother to learn to write.  Just hand the money over sucker.   [and btw everything in that story was was.  he was. she was. he had. they had.  He had felt this way.  Sam had felt very bad and was leaving.  All she did was tell tell tell tell you.]

Surely, authors deserve to be paid their worth.  Those books were so bad, I wanted to wash my brain out with bleach.  They were horrendous.  It’s the first time a book made me feel sick and the second following close on the heels of the other didn’t help.  They didn’t even deserve to have a pirate steal them instead those authors should have paid some fool to read them [and they would have to pay to bleach their brains out.]

If you want to bitch about pirates?  EDIT YOUR DAMN BOOKS.  LEARN HOW TO WRITE.  UNDERSTAND THE BASICS OF PLOTTING.  Then and only then do you have a right to bitch about pirates.  And that still doesn’t give you the right to go off on a moral tangent that has NOTHING to do with your plot and have your MC lecture about it in your book.  Not unless your plot is about the murder of a pirate by an author who really can’t write.

Sitting down at the keyboard/legal pad does not a writer make.  Pounding out 50,000 words during NaNoWriMo does not a writer make.  Learning about writing is the first step.  And stop flooding Amazon with unedited, poorly plotted crap and then whining that you aren’t selling because of pirates.  If you aren’t selling, you might want to check your book to see if it is crap first.

And for GOD’S SAKE START HERE:  Stephen Cannell’s Writer’s Workshops and Videos And then maybe. Just maybe, we can say “And all was right in the world.”

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4 thoughts on “The play’s the thing… No actually knowing how to write is the thing.

  1. Well said, Phil.I know the biggest cost for self publishing is hiring a great editor. If a person can’t afford one, the least they could do is join a critique group and learn the basics of grammar, show not tell, and staying in pov. And find a beta reader! They are the unsung heroes for authors. They should also read through their work on different devices and in different fontssizes to find obvious erros before hitting the publish button. If a writer sits down to tell a story, they better know how it ends before they start typing.

      1. Heh. The problem with reading an ebook means it’s not a good idea to toss device when you read something that’s horribly written.

  2. From 1905 “The Book Agent”. [Apologies to friends of animals]:

    Agent—Here is a book you can’t afford to be without.
    Victim—I never read books.
    Agent—Buy it for your children.
    Victim—I have no family—only a cat.
    Agent—Well, don’t you need a good heavy book to throw at the cat, sometimes?

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