Freakin’ Fuddles

That’s a cross between a Muddle and All Fucked Up.  This morning’s writing was just that.  A Fuddle.  I wrote 3 pages by hand before I threw up my hands and called it quits.

It was horrible.

Now before any of my friends argue with me.  I know I have the writer’s complex of I can’t write shit.  I know if they were handing me the Nobel Prize for Literature, I would wonder who slipped the drugs in the drinking water.   And, as an after thought, how much I was going to have to pay them.

I know it was horrible because it wasn’t just my normal complex kicking in about my writing.  This was Jr High melodramatic bad.

It sounded like a free book on Amazon.  You know the type.   The ones who will be on the line to lynch pirates because they are having no sales because of them.   The real reason no one is buying the book is because it is a piece of crap.   It is the sort of book that a 10 year old write or if there is sex involved, like well… kissing,  a 13 year old girl.   The grammar and spelling are atrocious.   Their English and Literature teachers  would hang their heads in shame about them.   I highly suspect they may also be in the group that  think Canada is a state of the US which borders on Pennsylvania.   I’m just grateful they don’t think it borders on Texas.  That’s another state of the US.    Mexico.  But that is a whole different blog post about Dumbth by Steven Allen.

Now where was I?  Oh, yes.  Crap.  Pure unmitigated crap.  The first clue was all the paragraphs were long.  The dialogue between the two main characters who were now caught in the serial killer’s trap  and chained up sounded like I was cutting and pasting it from a book  with the title of “As the Heart Bleeds”    I expected when the serial killer came down the steps for him to be wearing a fake handle bar mustache which he twisted as he talked and wearing a cape and a top hat.  His lines would read something like

“I got you my pretties and your little dog too.”    Killer stops and looks at author.  “Seriously man?  I got you my pretties?  Cut me a break here.  I’ve terrorized all the  redheads on the east coast and you have me delivering lines like that crap.?

Writer:   It’s what came out.

Killer:  I’m calling my agent.

And I don’t blame him.   My MCs are almost snickering and look very pained when they deliver their lines.  I don’t think it is the chains either.    You know why the FBI agent has not showed up?  Not because he’s hiding  [FBI guy voice from a distance:  The hell I ain’t] but because every time I go to have him show up I keep hearing the damn song “Along Comes Jones”

And it wasn’t even as good as the video.

FBI Guy:  I do NOT look like that.

Author:  That wasn’t the point.

FBI Guy:  I’m calling my agent.

Author looks at the two chained MCs : I suppose you want to call your agent too.

Dark haired MC:  Can’t reach the phone.

Blond haired MC:  We tried.

It really was that bad.  I would have ripped it out of the typewriter or the notebook and thrown it in the trash and suffered my mother yelling at me because I was wasting paper.  Mom was not a supporter of the arts.

So I know you are waiting for how I fixed this.   The fix for the day was simple.

Are you ready?

Since it was hand written, I counted the words.  Went to the Loreum Ipsum generator and created a document with that number of words.  I then went to Scrivener and created a Scene with the title NANOWRIMO GIBBERISH and pasted the darn results into the scene.

Word count done.   I know I am tossing all those words.   I also know that for NaNoWriMo, I am counting them.   God help me,  I wrote that crap.

This story does not have a happy ending for today’s writing.  I’m not sure any of it is worth salvaging to put in Scrivener.  I can’t find a redeeming sentence or dialogue that can be transported over.    None of it even gives me an idea to bounce off to a new scene.

I took my second Main Character, Joe, and put him back at the start with the Serial Killer having him handcuffed in the car but that’s as far as I have gotten today.

Lesson of the day for me?  If you are going to write?  There will be days like this and keep writing.  And have an answering machine for angry agents.

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